by Kathryn Tessmer, M.A., MFCC
We’re attracted unconsciously to our partners for the characteristics they share in common with our parents; the ones we like, as well as the ones we dislike. Our unconscious radar focuses on someone who will stimulate some of the same feelings we felt as children. Some people may think that they married the wrong person. That’s not necessarily true! An important step in resolving conflicts and developing intimacy is viewing your partner as an agent of healing. Rather than fixating on how you can change your partner in order for you to feel safe and comfortable, you can make a commitment towards mutual healing.
Projecting your unresolved negative feelings onto your partner is painful for both parties. When the projection screen is pulled down in front of your partner, he or she is hidden from view. The projection of mother and father onto your partner creates the bad movies that we play out in our intimate relationships. A sign that a projection is underway is when you view a situation as an attack or abandonment. Another sign is when the intensity of your feelings is out of proportion to the current situation. As adults, we are not vulnerable to the same dependency needs we had as children. When your partner behaves in a way that you don’t like, you have the freedom to express your wants and needs or set limits and boundaries. When we frame our emotional perceptions from a child’s point of view, we are reacting from our past unresolved needs and wants with our family of origin.
Let me give you an example of a mother projection that I have. When someone is late for an appointment or date with me, whether they’re a close friend or an authority figure like a doctor, I often feel agitated. With the doctor, my thoughts sound like this: “My time is important too, how dare she make me wait!” and with a close friend, my thoughts are more like “She doesn’t really care about me, or she wouldn’t do this to me.” My feelings go back and forth between hurt and rage. So if I were to express this with the doctor or a friend, they would probably view the hurt and rage as undeserved and extreme.
What’s the best way to handle this? First, take a deep breath and assess your feelings based on the intensity of feeling rather than if they’re right or wrong. Second, ask yourself when you felt these feelings as a child. Going back to my example, as a child, I often felt these feelings towards my mom, who was always late to pick me up after parties or events. As an adult, I chose to overcompensate by never being late. This way I could judge others against my rigid standards and always feel righteous. Third, acknowledge the projection, feel the feelings and adjust your thoughts to present time.
Group therapy is a safe place to explore projections and find better ways of communicating about your feelings. Working out projections in a group allows you to get feedback and support for managing them better. It’s a lot easier to listen and care about your feelings when you own them as your own. The group can help you do that. As we become more conscious of our projections, our intimate relationships will be a place of healing and love.